Initiation into the Sphere of Venus

I'm beginning a series of evocations with the intent of acquainting myself more personally with the Archangels of the Spheres and to receive initiation into their respective Spheres. Recently, it came to my attention that I've had a bit of a misunderstanding about the nature and purpose of working with this set of Spirits, so you can all this my Corrective Action.

In keeping with tradition, I chose a Venus hour yesterday (Friday) to evoke Haniel and my purpose was two fold. 1) As stated, to seek initiation into Venus/Netzach. 2) To learn more about the nature of the Spirit and the sphere itself.

I began with my usual ritual openings. The ritual itself is taken from Frater R.O.'s Modern Angelic Grimoire (Honestly, one of the best little texts I possess.) -- and he feels that the Table of Practice is sufficient for the purposes that the LBRP serve. In practical terms, he's probably right -- Afterall, the crystal/bowl/cup/mirror is enclosed with the table of practice with the Holy names of God written about.

I choose to open my rituals with the LBRP, BRH, and Rose Cross ritual for its benefit to my mental state and "psychic awareness", in this case. It helps "get me there", rather than jumping right from ordinary, mundane life into a short ritual evocation of an extremely powerful spirit. (honestly, it's a few short prayers, a line drawn with a wand, and a short consecration of the incense and the speculum of choice, then the evocation itself.)

Upon calling forth the Spirit, I felt a change in the atmosphere. I note the difference in feel between when I am asking for and making use of the energies of Venus (internal) as opposed to calling upon this Spirit for counsel (external). The atmosphere was warm and comforting. The presence tends to dull down my brain (make me a little bit stupid), but it's much more a feeling of comfort and fascination. I stated my purpose to the spirit, "I've called you forth for two purposes... etc."

Communication, though, was not easy. I had to continue in fervent beckoning, vibrating of the name HANIEL, and alternating between focusing on the mirror and meditating, listening for communication and allowing visions to unfold in my mind.

I noticed movement and vague patterns of light (VAGUE) on the mirror surface, but nothing substantial. It took the better part of 45 minutes before I got a distinct message.

The words came into my mind distinctly, "I am the love of all things. Pleasure is Art, it sustaineth all life. Wilt thou receive me unto thyself?"

(Yes, of course)

"Then I shall fill thee up, as Water in a Cup"

Then silence. I closed my eyes and asked for a vision.

I saw, in my mind, a beautiful woman whose face never turned straight toward me, leading me down a corridor. The corridor was dark and the end of the hall was light. It ended at a brick wall -- there were doors to the right and to the left. I paused, she turned slightly, and motioned for me to follow her. So I did.

Upon entering the door, we were in total darkness. I had to follow and just trust where we were going. We came upon a garden with two pools in the middle. Both were rectangular and divided by an aisle, and the waters were glowing intensely. I noticed that there was a man floating above the left pond, whose form was vague, but he was tattered and dirtied up. I asked her, "Why have you taken me here?"

She said to me, "To be cleansed. That you see is your heart: Tattered, soiled, and it must be washed before you are ready to receive the gifts I am able to offer."

The man was plunged into the waters, and I was conscious of being in the water rather than watching. I came back up, and then was conscious of seeing my form made anew and clean. (from the outside)

She instructed me to receive it back into myself, and I opened my mouth and it flew back in.

Communication ceased and I gave the license to depart.

I'm guessing that this was my Initiation. This leads to the question: Are the "gifts [she's] able to offer" Initiation, or things you receive *after* initiation? We'll see what happens in my world.

I will post about my experiences with the other Spirits as I evoke them.

-Fr. S.E.A.

Look, I can make money appear right in front of me.

Lately, I haven't been doing much in the way of "practical" magick. Yes, every night I do a series of rituals just to keep me balanced and "tuned-in", if you will, but no candle magick, no evocations, nothing of the sort for a couple weeks.

I did a lot of magick in attempt to attain a few things. For instance, I wanted to attain a promotion at work. I figured it would help my situation out a lot if I could be an assistant store manager instead of just a shift manager. So, I did some candle magick, I evoked Tzadkiel of Jupiter, and kept doing what I always do at work: work my tail off.

There's been no mention or even a suggestion that I'm moving in that direction. No hint that my magick "worked".

Here's the problem, and it's my problem.

I'm going on 22 and I have no college education. I screwed up as a high schooler and developed a terrible drug problem, and have spent the past few years a)growing out of it, b)getting in the routine of working full time, c)trying to finish highschool via online courses, which was a total flop, and d)relapsing, fiddlefucking around and wasting my time working at Starbucks, e)getting kicked out of the parents house and trying to get by on my own.

So, what's the issue here? Is it failed magick? I don't think so. My magickal work these past few months has been rigorous and sincere, if it's been anything, and I've learned a lot along the way, and I've had a lot of bad ideas and misconceptions properly dismantled. My overall demeanor, emotional and mental states, stamina, drive and sense of self confidence have improved drastically.

A combination of things has led me to the conclusion that if I want to be the successful magician I know I am capable of being and am meant to be, then I must take some serious control of my life, and not by sitting around calling up spirits who aren't interested in manifesting something for someone who won't manifest anything for themselves.

Why would the great Tzadkiel want to grant some phony wish to a guy who's still having trouble with laziness? Fuck that.

Jason Miller, for instance, stresses that all practical magick has simply got to be a combination of magickal and physical effort. Well, my God, I've been pouring countless hours (and dollars) into magickal growth and operations, but realistically -- what have I been doing to get ahead in life? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Going to work full time at a dead end job is only so admirable, but is it productive? Absolutely not.

Frater RO used to say, "Get a fucking real job. THEN you can eat your heart out mastering the Occult."

The truth in that is the fact that if I can't master myself and my life, how in the living hell am I ever going to master the Chief Art and Science? The great occultists of the past and the present have something in common... They mastered the arts and sciences of the time, and grew into mastering the occult. Basically, they got their shit in order to the fullest extent, and found that only the magickal art was going to take them any further.

This back door approach I keep wanting to take is simply not going to cut it.

Everything is urging me in this direction -- I've had several people who, upon hearing what I've got to say, upon seeing the frequency that I am studying some philosophical or magick tome, upon conversing with me say, "Wow, you should really be going to school for this. Why aren't you in school, Chris?" Tzadkiel impressed upon me in my evocations that coming to him asking for a promotion was as dead end an endeavor as is my job, and RO and Miller both stressed blending magickal work WITH "mundane" for *true* success. A friend of mine who is about to graduate college was talking to me recently, and she made it perfectly clear to me how attainable going to school is actually going to be for me.

She agreed to meet with me, sit down and explain the process of applying for FAFSA (financial aid), student loans, and college. She assured me that it doesn't matter what I'm out of my parents house, that I can easily figure out a way to get my rent covered while I go to school. Sure, I'm not looking forward to college debt -- but that's a better reality than the one I'm wasting my time on now.

Going to college and studying philosophy will open so many doors for me, it's got me quaking just to think about it. It's true -- for as much of a learner as I am, it is a crying shame I'm not spending my time to acquire an education that will actually benefit me.

So, the plan is... Get FAFSA and student loans, use part of the loans to cover a humble living arrangement (studio or one bedroom apt.), work 5 or so hours less a week (which might require me to step down to a barista at work) start out at a local community college, get transferable credits, transfer to a four year university offering majors in philosophy, and don't give up until I have that shit.

Magickally, my plan is to take this plan and explain it to Tzadkiel and seek aid from him in the process, but to buckle the fuck down and do what I need to do. I am confident that God and his spirits will be there, opening the right doors for me and aligning things to make my effort successful, but without the effort, nothing is going to change.

I cannot sidestep this huge thing I've been putting off for too long. I'm too capable, I'm too intelligent, and I have too much to say and to offer to keep wasting my time trying to figure out how to live off of shit-dollars-per-hour. There's too much I want to do, learn, and experience in this world -- and magick lately has been forcing me to shed all the bullshit that's standing in my way, which is mostly myself -- a process of transformation that has forced me to look at myself honestly.

Other than that, just been doing my Neophyte rituals and am waiting for HOGD to contact me with initiation details. Don't worry, RO, I won't let the Golden Dawn make me into a jaded magician and lose sight of what it means to be a magician. I just thoroughly believe I've got some things to gain from it.

-Fr. S.E.A.
(Okay, I changed my motto. I'll explain later. Won't be changing it again, though.)
"Serpentis et Aquila"

So Dreamy.

Since recently committing myself to the Great Work, I've begun having a multitude of interesting dreams. I know this is common, but for someone who rarely remembers dreaming, it's been invigorating.

I should have written this down a couple days ago, so I'll go ahead just for the sake of keeping records. The other day, I laid down for a nap after a long morning shift at work, and I had a dream -- I don't remember all of the details, but a few certainly stand out.

Granted, one of my worst fears is my car getting broken into and my audio system (or my car itself) getting stolen (it is my pride and joy, to say the least) -- so I dreamed that I came out of wherever I was at the time in my dream, and found my car stolen. Whoever I was with at the time got me, and we started driving in hopes that we might find it. We're in this city, I guess it was Atlanta, and we see this place that's known for buying up stolen cars (somehow), and I see one of my old best friend's cars being driven into the garage opening of the place, and whomever I was with at the time said, "That's the place, it's gotta be there."

So we drive in, and the building was divided into all sorts of rooms. Each room had a client in it that was selling a car, with a ticket that indicated the car they were selling, I'm guessing each person had to wait for appraisal before receiving cash (I know, unrealistic, just bare with me). The friend I was with at the time goes tearing through the rooms (literally, ripping the walls down just like paper), in search of whomever must have stolen my car. I hear my friend say, "Chris, I found him, he's in here."

So, I'm all kinds of pissed off and I figure I'm about to pulverize this son of a bitch and put him in the fucking ER because he took my prized possession. I ran to the room where the culprit sat, and it was a man in a wheel chair. His skin was deteriorating because of some type of disease, he was frail, and he had a deep look of sorrow and depravity.

Seemingly involuntarily, I walked up to him, knelt down, looked him in the eye and said, "Are you okay?" His eyes welled up with tears, he cried out, "I'm so sorry for what I've done, I am so, so sorry." He handed me the ticket in his hand (I guess this was a "title" or something), and I extended my hand to him. I showed him grace for what he had done regardless of my intentions to rip him a new one.

My interpretation of this dream was that his physical condition was indicative of his spiritual condition, and that this theft became an opportunity for me to be selfless and to offer grace to someone who was very sick, very in need of some grace.

I didn't quite understand all of this. Why me? Anyway, thought it was interesting -- it really stuck with me. I only hope I could exhibit that kind of grace with something that's so special to me. For the most part, I'm not a materialistic person -- but my car and my audio system, those are two things I love. Maybe a little too much. But it's private to me. I would honestly feel violated if someone screwed with that. Perhaps that's an issue.

I hope I don't have to find out.

Speaking of dreams and dream-states, I had a strange experience last night. I did my usual, daily, non specific work -- The LBRP, LBRH, and the Middle Pillar ritual.

Now, granted -- it was late and I was very tired, so I don't look too deeply into this, per se. But as I was intoning some of the God-names, I kept crossing into a half waking/half dreaming sort of state. I was teetering right on the edge of falling asleep, but was actively intoning God names and doing the corresponding visualizations. I got midway through the Pillar and in my strange state, I was getting dream like images and phrases, nonsensical shit as it seemed, but in the middle of intoning YHVH Eloah V'Daath, I intoned random words from the dream state that had nothing to do with my ritual. It's like I just got lost in the act of intoning, and since I started intoning words out of sequence, I snapped back into consciousness not knowing what I was starting to say.

I still don't know, actually -- I don't know where I was at the time. I don't know what I was seeing, what I was thinking, and what kind of dialogue was happening in my head. Finishing the ritual was so difficult, because I kept crossing over, back and forth, and losing my place.

By the time I was done, I opened my eyes to see vague shapes and outlines on the wall in front of me (Not unlike a mild dose of an hallucinogen), and just slipped back into regular consciousness.

Very unusual.

Spirits and cards.

I've been noticing something fascinating and unusual in my varied working with spirits. Not long ago, I posted about my experience with the "General Offering" per instruction of Jason Miller in his book Sorcerer's Secrets. Whatever spirits I established communication with revealed a figure 8 to me, which I took note of, and shortly after did the Tarot Contemplation Ritual per the Modern Magick coursework. I landed on the Strength Card, with a woman tending to a lion, a figure-8 hovering above her head. Interesting, indeed. That was the start of what is becoming a series of communications via images and cards.

I am working to acquire the Knowledge & Conversation of the Holy Guardian Angel. I'm using a modified form of Liber Samekh and try to do it at least once a day (However, when I am giving it my best, it takes about half an hour, which can be difficult to do twice a day in addition to other daily work). Frater Rufus Opus, Jason Miller, and others are in the general consensus that when you attain K&CHGA, you'll know -- that it will manifest in a unique way for each magician, but that it will be undeniable and easily recognizable.

Well, I can't exactly say that I've had such an experience thusfar. I have, however, had some interesting experiences as a result of my continuing practice. A few days ago, immediately after the invocation, I received a brief vision of a heart of white light, whose rays extended outward eternally, and was overcome with a deep and invigorating sort of ecstatic love. I felt incredibly loved and felt like sharing that love -- not too unlike some of my experiences with Haniel. In another recent invocation, I saw an image in my mind of a hand reach for a stack of cards, and it drew from the top a King of Hearts -- the interpretation thereof I still am unsure.

But last night really caught my attention.

In my many readings dealing with my advancement in all things Esoteric, the Hanged Man has shown up as an integral part of my readings. The general gist that I've gotten is that I absolutely can and will be successful, so long as I am willing to be as the Hanged Man, with arduous labor and self sacrifice in the process of attainment.

So, I did my invocation as usual, putting my all into it and not "lusting for results" -- the atmosphere, my range of vision, and my state of mind shifted into a comfortable lull of receptivity but yet relaxation. The feeling was unique, so I decided that I'd lay down, straight out, and say a simple prayer addressing my HGA -- more of a continuation of asking for communication and that it would establish a conscious contact with me, as I consciously contact it.

I saw in my mind initially a torch, and then a man wielding the torch that I saw. He was quite strong and of a definite martial nature -- however, his face was shrouded. I got the distinct impression that the Angel was communicating to me that it was not yet time for him to reveal himself to me in full, but that he carried the torch of Illumination and that he would be a light upon my path -- and I received the impression of the Hermit, and gained a new interpretation of the light within his lamp, that to me it would come to represent the ever present guidance of my HGA despite all else. At this time I received a strange sensation in my foot as though my blood was not circulating properly, and so I repositioned myself so that my left foot was brought behind my right knee -- and immediately received the impression of the Hanged Man. I took out of all this what seemed obvious at the time: That the Angel was there, though I don't know him fully yet, that he is a light upon my path -- and that like the lamp of the Hermit, I carry the flame of his torch wherever I may go in my searching, and that the attainment and my continued progress will still require of me great self sacrifice. I must be as the Hermit but most importantly as the Hanged Man.

After this, I was curious to see what may turn up if I did a Tarot Contemplation Ritual.

I give you three guesses which card turned up, and the first two definitely do not count.


(It was, of course, the Hanged Man.)


So, this is an unusual set of experiences that I am noticing... Not too sure what to think of it, but obviously the spirits are making good use of the Cards for conveying messages to me, and then re-instilling them physically so that I cannot possibly ignore what I've just received.

Dear Lord.

Edit: Just to clarify, the LHP & RHP distinction is truly arbitrary, and I do view other approaches and paths as valid "paths of return", but this writing deals with the distinction as it applies to my own personal practices and weeding out what *I* am comfortable with and not comfortable with, for myself.

Lately, I've been on a quest to find a group or an Order that would be suitable for me. One in which I can develop spiritually and magickally, and one in which I can find satisfying fellowship with those I would actually consider likeminded. This has become a frustrating, discouraging, and disappointing feat.

There are two types of groups I seem to find in my area (the Atlanta area) -- Wiccan or NeoPagan covens or groves in the arena of "Earth-based" paths -- and only one type of group for Ritual and Ceremonial Magickians (If you really want to call it a magickal order), Ordo Templi Orientis. SO, that's just fantastic.

I get to choose between Wicca, a supposed revival of ancient fertility cults, but more properly a watered down chapter of OTO, and then, OTO itself. Both of which are religious in nature and are simply known to employ magick in many varieties. I'm not interested in converting to another religion. Fuck, I'm not interested in religion at all. My understanding stems from a grouping of my experience, my studies and what I have taken from them, as well as hints of my religious upbringing. By no means am I interested in taking upon myself a new set of tenets or doctrines.

I despise tenets and doctrines because most everyone's got them in some shape or form, most people think or are convinced that they are correct, and no one agrees with anyone else entirely. So I say to myself, do I really have only to choose between this religion and that, this denomination and that, this man's interpretation and his, when I've got a perfectly capable mind with opinions and beliefs all of my own and reasons for those beliefs?

I've taken a close look at Thelema and have been pouring through the Book of the Law in a quest to see if there's even a chance I could be comfortable involving myself with OTO. Some of the authors and occultists I respect most are in fact Thelemites, and some hold high degrees.

I read Jason Miller's new blog today entitled "RHP & LHP", and although the conclusions he made should have been abundantly clear to me beforehand, my itching desire to be a part of something has gotten in my way. My burning desire to have fellowship, and to have those greater than I in my presence from whom I can learn and be inspired, to be trained and have go-to's for my questions has gotten in the way of one integral fact of who I am.

I walk the Right Hand Path. It's plain and simple, clear as fucking day light, and really not worth warring with myself over. My life is one huge example of how the Left Hand Path canNOT be for me. Yet, in my eagerness to receive initiation directly and be involved with others, I've tried to beat the Right Handedness out of my brain and see if I can possibly align my focus to a different perspective in this way.. And there is foolishness in that. Instead I've tried this awkward mental ambidextrousness, and that shit doesn't work either.

In my research and practice, I have come to find that there is one Order I feel comfortable with. The Golden Dawn presents a system of magick that can be applied toward the advancement of either type of mystic. Sure, any system of magick will have its religious components, but apart from ascribing to a magickal worldview, the Golden Dawn doesn't seem to require me to believe much of anything other than what I truly believe. I don't have to "accept the Law", or give my praise and worship to ugly personifications that make the Jesus in me claw at my spirit in defense. I'm not a religious Christian, I am a spiritual Christian -- and yes, there is a mighty world of difference there. But I have had several astonishing experiences in my life, one namely, that were delivered to me by the Spirit that I know as Christ, and while I do not seek to proselytize or gather converts, I will not and cannot deny something that saved my literal life, in the here and now, in the "Once I was blind, but now I see" kind of way.

There are two unfortunate factors about the Golden Dawn... First and foremost, it is physically out of my reach at this time. Secondly, the way the degrees have been handled and the types of limitations that have been placed on initiates trying to advance, and the level of secrecy applied. Yes, there are certain positives to those things, but it's got to be the most uninviting feature I've come across. Not that it matters... Because my options are... Join a UnicornFaerieFolkSmileyHappy coven, join an Order that is likely to take me back down a path I shouldn't be on, or continue Working, growing, learning, and trying to accomplish the Great Work on my own.

In light of this, I'm choosing yet again the position of solitude. I have to be honest, it gets old being the only one I know physically in this area. But, it's better than trying to be something I'm not.