On burdening myself.

Magickal practice, spiritual experience, and esoteric studies are my life, my passion, my dedication, and the most important pursuit in my life. I try my best with what I can to base as much of my life around these aims as possible, because everything else in life simply pales in comparison to those things. I strive to be the most knowledgeable that I can be, to be the most perfect in my Art as I can be, to be prominent in what I say and do to the greatest extent possible.

I have a personality of extremity and obsession (I am a Scorpio, would you expect less?) I have a drive toward perfectionism sometimes (how goofy within the occult, really), and I'm always feeling like there is just not enough time in the day to learn what I want to learn and master what I want to master. I have sacrificed friendships and relationships over furthering my goals. I have spent countless hours and dollars in pursuit of the Great Work. I have face myriad criticisms (I would not say persecution, cause it is simply not so), and I have become alienated at times because of what has become the foundation for my life.

My bookshelf continues to grow and grow with subject after subject that just begs for attention. I have spent countless hours in conjure trying strengthen my Self, gain initiation and insight, grow spiritually, and acquire new abilities. At times, I will lock myself away in all my free time for weeks on end, talking to and seeing others as little as possible and doing nothing but digging further.

And then a cloud of discouragement somehow settles over my horizon, and I feel this blackness come over me, and I slip into a fatigued, apathetic depression and a cloudiness of mind that makes any further learning impossible. I begin to feel like a failure in my pursuit and I begin to feel as though I may never accomplish what I have set out to do.

But then it dawns on me, and sometimes I must force it to dawn on me. I am 22 years old.

22 years old. I am not in the age of Cornelius Agrippa where it was possible to devote what he devoted to the study. For 22 years old, I am way ahead of the game. For 22 years old, I make other 22 year-olds drool at the extent of my study and practice. I must remember to take this shit one step at a time, one day at a time, something I usually have no concept of doing, whatsoever.

I really need to stop giving myself such a hard time and learn to let things settle and integrate, and take into account that my the time I am 40, I will have accomplished some radical goals.

*sigh*