HGA Mini Shrine.

And this would be the product of a few hours of work and searching for a couple cool items. I'm pretty pleased with the outcome, it definitely adds a nice, eh, presence to the room. With a book shelf, an altar, and now things going up on the wall, I won't have a place to sleep before long. This will become a temple and I will sleep in a tent! ;) (Definitely not really.)

Magickal Craftiness.

So, RO posted some creative ideas about ways to work with the HGA in your life to strengthen the relationship as well as encourage it to manifest more in your life. Though the ideas were quite simple, it didn't much occur to me to do something along these lines, so I've made it my current project.

Yesterday, I got a wood burning kit that came with a couple decent pieces of wood. I quickly learned how to use it and began by burning his seal into the wood. After which, I burned his name in English beneath it. It occurred to me, however, that since the time of having been revealed the name of my HGA last year, I had forgotten what the original Hebrew letters were. RO had helped me render pronounceable name of of the Hebrew letters, so I've just stuck with the name as is for the longest time. So, it was a project in and of itself to take a name which does not actually exist in Hebrew, break it down, and translate it as best I could. (It wouldn't be nearly so hard for someone with a mastery of written Hebrew, but I do not.)

Not only did I very much enjoy the project and the technique of wood burning, but the entire process that went into making this plaque in Honor and Recognition of my HGA was a revealing process. I gained insights into the shapes, lines, and forms of the seal as I burned the seal. Lots of parallels between the form of the seal to its properties and meanings. I learned more about the nature of my Agathosdaimon through the simple act of focusing, with Will and deliberate intent, on creating this piece which would serve as a contact point between me and the spirit.

I learned that he resonates more with Celestial Script than with Hebrew (big surprise). As a general rule, I don't take much stock in the practice of Gematria. I believe it's possible to gain insights and make valid connections between words at times, but I also believe it can be a deceptive process that can take you too far out from the original point. However, I did get the numerical value of his name and look up a reference for that number. This was actually a case in which I felt that there were some telling properties in his name enumerated.

552 = Boleskine, Leviathan, Magister, Sex Magick, Magical Link, Astrum, Sapphire, Ecstasy, Vigour, Laughter, Confound, Nations, Numbers, Stones, The Seeing, Beni Elohim, Hermits, Ophites, Electron, Emanation, Yeheshua, Maitreya, Siddhartha.

These numerical equivalents come from a Thelemic source, but I found it most interesting. Leviathan, you say? The great "SEA serpent" I have an astrological and magickal connection with Serpents. My psychically gifted friend who practices native American shamanism asked me in our first conversation, "Do you own a python?" -- I do -- and he said, "That is your spirit animal. I see it in your eyes.", my magickal motto is Fr. Serpentis et Aquila (S.e.A.), meaning the Serpent and Eagle. The seal my HGA revealed to me as my "Celestial Self" has very much the likeness of a Serpent extending itself heavenward, which I realized after drawing and working with it. Would this mean as much to someone else? Perhaps not, but in my time, it was synchronicity and it spoke to me. On the list also is Hermits -- by way of numerology, both my full name and my birthday can be reduced to "9", meaning my "Life path" and "Soul path" numbers are both "9", relating me to the Hermit of the Tarot, which has always been a definitive character in my magickal progress. Yeheshua, as well, is a significant name -- it roughly equates to "Jesus", and the Hebrew (yod-heh-shin-vau-heh) was onced used by Christian Cabalists as evidence of Christ's divinity as a conversion tool. If translated directly into English, it renders "Joshua", if translated first into Greek it becomes "Jesu", and then into English it becomes "Jesus". Either way, this name has been particularly significant to me and holds a lot of power. "Shin" in and of itself is a powerful letter which bears a lot of meaning.

"Beni Elohim" means "sons of God". All in all, there are some rather interesting connections here.

Anyway, all Gematria nonsense aside, I learned some things about my HGA through making this plaque, and I did feel his presence while doing so. And -- I have a new skill which I can use to make talismans and other magickal things. I'm starting to see and realize that making tools of the Art is a magickal act in and of itself. I am conducting a form of ritual because I am acting with Will and Intent and creating something in the process, no different then Sympathetic Magick, just simply with higher goals in mind.

Patience, Iago, patience.

I cannot speak with authority on the manifestation of infernal or terrestrial spirits in conjure magick, but I can speak with some authority on the Governors and spirits of Higher Authority because 90% of my Work for the past 3 years has dealt with the initiatory, transforming powers of the seven Planetary Governors in preparation for the Knowledge & Conversation of the Holy Guardian Angel. I've had obstacles to overcome in each sphere, lessons to learn, Wisdom to receive, and plans to follow which all have led me to this point.

Concerning my experience of the manifestation and presence of spirits, I have a few things to say. There are factors that play into the level of intensity of connection and conversation with these spirits. Again, I am referring to Archangels, here. One of the first things I learned from Rufus Opus a while back, which is a basic reality, is that when initially gaining a connection to spirits, it is best to observe the movements of the Celestial Bodies (from the perspective of the earth, astrologically), selecting a day and an hour in which to do your Work. These are akin to the "hours of operation" posted to any office, business, or specialist. This is not to say that it is impossible to contact, for instance, Michael on a Tuesday in the hour of Mercury. But, given the option, wouldn't you choose a Sunday in the hour of the Sun? The difference in connection is like the difference in being in the industrial complex of the Celestial and shouting out to Michael from the Mars room, and you receiving a murmured reply from the Sol room, as opposed to sitting at his heavenly Desk, "Face to Face". Can you hear me NOW?

Once you've established a closer relationship with the Spirit, you've learn the approach that Spirit requires of you, and you've used the current they give in accordance with their operation, and have employed the Wisdom they offer, your relationship with them becomes less formal. If I have a more direct need to be addressed or Work to be done, I'm going to visit Michael in his office while he's on the Clock doing what it is he does. Otherwise, I might just visit with him over some Earl Grey or coffee, keeping in mind his name, his seal, and basically saying "Hey Michael, got a question for ya."

Carrying a solar talisman imbued with his own current also helps, just gonna throw that out there. His presence comes closer to me, and I bear an aura and image much more like him. I can observe that this is so because of the "vibe" that follows me as well as the way that total strangers will interact with me -- many more "nods of respect", "Hey, how ya doin's?", and eye contact that speaks of a reverent intimidation. The magician, in times like these, must keep in mind that it is no so much YOU that generates these reactions, but the Image you've been permitted to bear. Michael, lately, has given me a lot of Solar current to work with and like moths to the Light, people are attracted to its brightness. His admonition that it should not be taken to a vain or selfish place, and that humility and selflessness must be my guide, ought to be enough to keep a guy humble. After all, it is but a gift that does not come from me.

Since attaining the Knowledge & Conversation of the Holy Guardian Angel, the presence of (mostly) beneficent spirits has become a lot more apparent to me. I can feel it in a sudden elation that comes sporadically from nowhere, I can hear it through the unfolding of a new train of thought that seems "other worldly", and I can recall it because of the things I realize and learn in those times. Sometimes, I can feel their sudden departure and wonder, "Where did it go?"

One cannot always bask in the awesome glory of God's employees.

Which brings me to a conclusion. Since making contact with the HGA, it's not necessary that I conduct the entire rite of conjuration to reach him. Oftentimes, I can simply go to a quiet place, clear out my mental chatter, and say a quick prayer to reach him. I can do this at any time I like, but most often those dialogues tend to be request specific, short and sweet and to the point. Other times, it is a good idea to conduct the full conjure of the HGA. There are times when a more intense dialogue and manifestation of his presence is called for and needed. But, in all of this excitement, I've had to learn that the purpose of the HGA is not to simply astound me every time I want to feel awestruck, captivated or amazed. The need to feel amazed can too often fall into the "Lust of Result" category and truly fall short of the purpose that we do the magick we do.

It was (way too) late in the evening last night that I decided to conjure the HGA again per spec, and frankly I didn't really have much need, want, or wonder that needed resolve. More than anything, I think a part of me just wanted an ego boost. He wasn't too impressed with that shit, and for the first time since, I actually experienced a level of agitation from him. I kept calling, and calling, and essentially demanding a more concrete manifestation, and his tone was "Hey, chill out, man. Stop with that."

He said something much like, "Not every talk we have will be like the first few. I give you what you need when you need it, and the way I appear to you is proportionate to the circumstances. I've given you what you need and taught you what is vital for now, so don't expect me to show up and blow you away every single time you call my name. There's no need for that."

Alright, damn. But the truth behind that also applies to other heavenly spirits. They tend to rise to the occasion and their aims are not always in line with ours. Their job is not to mystify you, intrigue you, and give you an ego boost. Their job is to teach you, to train you, to force you to overcome yourself, and to help in the transformation process. They don't answer to whimsical desires, they play a bigger game in life.

All of that being said, if you feel "unimpressed" with your experience at the time, do understand that they do and *will* Work with you, even when you aren't left feeling like some ascended master of of the Universe. Some of their effects can be seen within hours, days, weeks. Sometimes, they make take months, but if you've kept a log of your Work, you can easily see in retrospect how it all worked out.

Sometimes, you have to just be happy with what you've got at present, because with some of those spirits, that's all you're getting. For now. Besides, think about it -- if Michael revealed his solar glory to you in a night or two, you'd be done for. Cooked, fried, and totally insane. This goes for any of them -- you must go in steps, and you must handle well what's on your plate.

Solar Talisman.

Upon the urging of my HGA, I created a Sun Talisman to be kept in somewhat of a mojo bag with a seal that my HGA revealed to me was a seal of my "celestial Self" as a contact point for the receptivity of arcane virtues and wisdom. Among the items in the bag were bay laurel, frankincense, clove, and citrine, garnet, and sunstone anointed with cinnamon oil, in a dark red draw string bag.

I conjured Michael in the hour of the Sun and asked for him to imbue the talisman and items with his solar energy directed toward the specific areas of enlightenment, illumination, purity of body and spirit, and a greater mastery and command over magickal art and the elements in particular. His instruction was never to use what he gave me to vain, egotistical, and selfish ends; that he was has granted me a considerable solar current and that though it is meant for the betterment of myself, my calling requires that I use the gifts they bring for others in the aspects of healing and teaching. All he required for this act was that I set out a candle for a period of no less than 6 hours by his seal with the bag placed in the center of the seal and explained that the essence of the fire would give him something to work with toward directing current into the talisman and that by morning, it would be ready to be carried on my person for use. He cautioned me once more about the specific use of that talisman in terms of selflessness and service to others, lest I experienced the less pleasant effects of his solar, fiery nature and be burned up and consumed by them for my vain pursuits. Ok! Point taken.

He also explained that I should not be looking to intake anymore solar current until I balance out my sphere in preparation, that due to the Work I've done the past several weeks, I've got more than enough of a solar current directing into my sphere and more would only be detrimental.

Because I am most curious to see how the influences of this talisman begin to manifest in my life, I used a program to cast a chart of the time of its creation. Unfortunately, I don't know enough about the relationship between astrological aspects and talismans, so I am recording it so I can do some research.

Sun in 03 deg. Leo
Rising 21 deg. Pisces
Moon in 03 deg. Aquarius (also, full moon)
Mercury in 27 deg. Leo
Venus in 17 deg. Virgo
Mars in 27 deg. Virgo
Jupiter in 03 deg. Aries
Saturn in 00 deg. Libra
Neptune in 27 deg. Aquarius
Pluto in 03 deg. Capricorn

Yeah, have no effing clue how to interpret that in terms of the creation of a talisman. Any insight is MORE than welcome.

Fundamentalism knows no limits.

Last night in my reading, I came across a few articles (http://www.canisiusbooks.com/books/a_a.htm) aimed directly against AA for reasons I knew that Christian fundamentalists would oppose AA. In fact, my background in Christain fundamentalism has caused me to observe things about spirituality in AA that would not jive with many Christians, yet I find it most curious just how much support and recognition that AA has gotten all the way across the board, from the courts, clergy, and all manners of organizations. Some Christians have gone as far as to say that AA is diabolical and falls directly in line with the ideology of a "Masonic New World Order", because of its "New Age" approach to spirituality and its teachings of an unspecified God that is open to interpretation.

"Chameleon" God was the exact term used in these articles. Their idea is that people should only seek healing from their addictions by Jesus-ing everything until they're not addicts or alcoholics anymore and that pastors should not give any support or recognition to 12-step programs because they're a meance to the Church and a menace to the "truth".

Where does "Christianity" draw the line? It's pretty upsetting that a program which is known to change lives for those who do the work, and a program which has enabled people with no concept of Divinity, no concept of God whatsoever, to begin to establish a concept, no matter how finite that may be, to be thrown down as "Satanism". The authors of these articles stated that AA could be a breeding ground for missionary work and conversion.

Bullshit.

I've met several recovered alcoholics that have years of sobriety, active and lively relationships with God as they understand Him, and who obviously *bear the fruits* of an active and loving relationship with their Creator. Their experiences do not always fall in line with my own, and most often do not, therefore their concept of a Higher Power is often, and usually, drastically different than mine and anyone else in the rooms. I'm growing fucking *weary* of fundamentalists taking the Good News and using it as a tool of destruction, hopelessness, and fear. I've lived in fear for so long that I hope never to go back! Only once in my life have I accepted who I was, who God seemed to be in my life, and the type of spirituality that seemed to develop in between: That time is NOW! Is it such a god-awful reality that for once in my Spirit-hungry life I might actually be able to walk in Faith, without Fear, and experience Peace?! Is it such a god-awful reality that aloholics weary of the religion cramming get to finally take a *breath* of fresh air, without being taught that the air they breath is like burning sulfur, full of hell fire and damnation and setting them up to be pawns in the End Times?

If I live in a world governed by a God so petty, misleading, unaccepting that I should live in Fear all my days, then fuck this life.Luckily, I know the Truth. I've seen it in many lives and people as a living, breathing Truth.

Other claims raised against AA were that our founder, Bill Wilson, had a lot for psychic phenomena, spiritism, meditation, channeling, and mysticism. If that is true... GOOD!! I'm glad. I've heard it said and read in several places, "Alcoholics and addicts are mystics that just don't know it yet." I do believe Rufus Opus once said to me in conversation that the unrealized need for a mystical/magickal/spiritual outlet will lead many people into addictions (not the exact words, but that was the gist) Another phrase which seems applicable here is one you'll hear often in the rooms, "Religion is for those who don't want to go to hell. Spirituality is for those who have BEEN to hell and *don't want to go back*"

So, on behalf of myself and other recovering addicts and alcoholics, *Fuck* your empty, dead, overbearing, hopeless, fear mongering, self righteous, legalistic religious message. It may work for YOU *and I hope it does*, but leave those who have come to God under a personal, unique relationship that might be different than yours the hell alone.. And may you bear the weight of every relapse you help to generate by spreading your spiritual poison.

I'll take my "Chameleon God" (The vast, the mysterious, the wise, the limitless), and you can keep your Angry Child of a god (It is, after all, but a face you've come to believe in).

What.. The.. HGA is that..?

I figured I'd post a couple cool images of what's left of the tapers. It's pretty wild looking, like I said. The tapers (Below) at the opposite ends were at equal length at the start of the rite. As you can see, one burned out ferociously while the opposite one did not. In fact, it barely has a drip trail whatsoever. Yes, they are the same variety of taper and wax, and they were lit within the same minute. I found that quite interesting, really.



This is the taper (Above, Right) that, the day prior, I inscribed with the name and seal of my HGA, anointed with Abramelin oil, and prayed over that it would be dedicated to the presence and power of his Spirit and that it would bring him closer during my magick. As you can clearly see, the drippings took on a life of their own. It actually goes into a vertical loop, all in a perfect string. This candle was not burning long at all, and I have never seen a taper act in such a manner. Unusual things always seem to take place with my candles during conjure magick, but this definitely ranks high on my list of the unusual. Hope you find it as fascinating as I did!

Simple, profound revelations.

I woke up today with a new realization... The relationship between the magician and the Holy Guardian Angel is like a Microcosm of the relationship between the Christ and the Father. If the HGA is Myself made Perfect, then naturally, I and the HGA are One. I commune and pray to the HGA for Wisdom and intercession much like the Christ prayed to His father. Not only is this illuminating in my relationship with the HGA, but this is an illuminating concept of the nature of the relationship between Christ and his Father. It's as though the Father is the HGA of Christ. So, it would make perfect sense that He would pray to His father for all manner of things, it's just that the dynamic of the relationship appears to be separate when in reality it's not at all separate.

It's been a difficult concept for me to understand why, if Christ is like the physical embodiment of His father, He would find the need to pray as if His father were somehow external or separate. But if understood in these terms, it makes more sense than ever. Christ was a Microcosm of the Father. My HGA, being solar or pertaining to Tiphaereth in a manner, is somewhat a microcosm of The Christ as well. And by extension, I am a microcosm of the Christ by being a Microcosm of the HGA. So Christ could be viewed as the "lower level" or physical manifestation of His Higher Spirit. And I am a lower manifestation of the HGA. It's just that Christ was a whole lot better at living in His True Identity than I am, and so I am supposed to emulate that in my life.

Or something like that.

Either way, it's a piece in the puzzle that kind of answered a lingering question I've had for quite some time.

On a more mundane note, I was given a dream where I was able to spend time with my current ideal of Love. I didn't feel as though I lacked anything upon wakening or that feeling of "DAMN! That was just a dream.", I felt blessed because I got to spend some amount of time that felt quite real to me with the one I loved.

Quite nice, really.

Supernatrual Assistant, a Healer.

I conjured up my HGA again this evening and what I originally intended to be a Questions & Answers session turned out to be something totally different. Connection was quick once the rite was done. His presence became obvious when the taper I dedicated to him on my altar started burning down like crazy again. You should only see what happens to the drippings from the taper, it's really wild.

When I asked him to "come down", a huge chunk of accumulated drippings immediately fell from the taper to my altar. I have burned it through 2 sessions now, and it has burned down completely into crazy formations -- things that don't even look possible from the perspective of dripping candle wax.

Anyway, that aside, he manifested himself to me and before I could even begin to speak, he spread wings and wrapped them around me fully. He asked, "Do you want to know me?" Of course I said yes. He asked, "Do you want to be closer to me?" Yes, absolutely.

He took me down a portal to a temple where there was a type of magick circle inscribed with heavenly language, light passed through it with movement, illuminating all manners of curls, twirls, zags, and shapes. He said, "You are hurting in your heart and you need to heal. Will you let me heal you?" Yes, absolutely.

I burst into tears uncontrollably as he pulled me in close and our hearts became connected. While he was pouring healing into my heart, I saw an image of an angelic figure with his wings curled around himself grasping onto a heart with a cross behind it. He was compassionate, he showed me Pure love. He said, "You are so burdened with worry. Know that Love is coming back to you, you will find it. It is not a matter for you to worry. Love is already yours, you were not made to be alone."

And I cried. And cried. And cried, and fuck it, I'm crying now.

Just like a loving mother or father, he said, "There, there. I'm going to heal you of this pain". He handed me a rose and said, "I'm giving this to you because though you don't behold what it is you want most, let this remind you that it is yours. Let it be a reminder that you will find what you seek. But you must trust me."

So, I tried to be more objective at this point. I asked him if he had any wisdom to give to me. He gave me a clear vision of the process of manifestation from God down to Earth. I saw a realm of light, untouched and unchanged. It just WAS. The light passed through a veil of darkness. Rays of light in millions of places extended down, all destined for manifestation. Certain rays would intersect the spheres, or the planets, and those rays would take upon them the color and quality associated with the spheres, trickling down to earth, where the sphere covering the world was divided into 4 "quadrants", with rays trickling down into each, picking up traits and qualities as they went. I understood greater people as they are according to their birth. I also understood talismans a bit better -- I could see these rays extended even yet further down to where a magician sat, inscribing characters into metal. I saw the energy passing through the magician, through his tools, and could see the metal absorbing the rays with each stroke, with each letter.

He told me also that I have a Purpose and that "If I have anything to do with it, you will fulfill that Purpose." He told me that I was gifted more than I realized, but that I just couldn't see it because I believe so little in what I am capable of. He told me that I am meant to be a Helper, and a Master, a Teacher, and a Healer. He said for me to continue on in my Work with integrity, even when I doubted myself, even when I doubted the Work, even when it felt as though I had to make it up as I went along. He said those things would come with confidence.

And, oddly, as last time, instead of picking up on a particular smell, his presence eliminated the smells that were there and the smell of the Abramelin oil became more pervasive. I hate to make the connection, but I'm starting to associate him strongly with the smell of Cinnamon. The smell tends to dominate everything and it tends to linger -- through all the Frankincense, the White Sage, the Dragon's Blood, the Balm of Gilead... Sweet, all encompassing cinnamon.. But without the burning edge, if that makes any sense.

When I asked him about the powers attributed to the HGA/SA, he explained that I need to be careful not to interpret it through vain, selfish eyes. He said that he is a provider and that he is able to perform these things should the need arise, but not simply to satisfy my trivial amusement. He said he is very capable of all those feats, and that I should trust in his ability to provide my needs and wants as they arise, but not to expect him to satisfy my vain indulgences. I suppose I would have it no other way.

In terms of progressing in the work, he explained that yes, I'm capable and have what it takes to continue on through the Green Work, but not to get too ahead of myself in the process, but to allow it to integrate naturally as it goes, rather than trying to force development. He certainly assured me that I would be successful in my endeavors.

And that's about it. I have not until now been so overwhelmed with the presence of this spirit. It was nothing short of awesome and beautiful. LOVE is the only word worthy of describing it.

HGA!

Made a strong contact with the HGA -- his presence was overwhelming, I felt totally dissociated from the material plane, though I could open my eyes and still be here just as much as before. I've got a distinct image of the face he's presented to me looks like and he seemed to confirm that I wasn't ready for contact until I let some of these recent things go. As soon as I got a decent image of him, he basically took me and flew me elsewhere -- just further away from here. Even though I fumigated the hell out of my room prior to the rite with Dragon's Blood resin, Frankincense, White Sage, then Balm of Gilead, the smells altogether disappeared. The only smell that stood out then was the sweetness and the spice of the Abramelin Oil. My taper candle burned very unusually, all of the wax forming a cascade down the side of the candle stick in a shape that looks an awful lot like an angel wing, and the candle burned much faster than usual, my body became very hot and the air around me just seemed... Thick, almost. Sounds drowned out and I was able to switch between projection and conscious reality by opening my eyes in the duration of our communication.

He indicated he wasn't going to draw quite this close to me until this relationship I just got out of ended because it was an area of unwillingness to let go and transform. It was an area of fear and weakness. He explained to me that he's interacted with me on many levels for quite some time -- including strange experiences I had when I was young, to protecting me at various times during danger in my life, to presenting himself to me on God Almighty's behalf when I needed a spiritual experience and lesson to pull me out of my dark pits.

I asked him if there were any other names I could call him by if he would like or if I felt like using a different name, and he gave me a simpler one that the one I've been using. As I opened my eyes after bidding him thanks and farewell, he showed me a tiny symbol that looked a bit like a heart, only different. I'm not sure what the use of it is, but I'm going to record it just for future meditation.

I'm going to continue doing the full SA conjuration rite to ensure that I'm not missing anything, or that the miracle of it hasn't happened yet, but it would appear that I've successfully made contact with my HGA.

+edit: After more conversation with the Spirit, I asked him to show me, through Tarot, which card best depicted the nature of his spirit...:

The Tower.

Wow. Wow. And just the night before, I picked up on some definite Martial/Scorpio qualities, and the Tower as well has been an integral card and theme throughout my whole process of refinement. That he revealed that his nature was The Tower just clarifies and corroborates the entire process I've been going through since RO first taught me how to call upon the HGA.

And another layer sheds away.

I've been asking God to remove the things in my life that separate me from Him and that separate me from attainment, to bring to the surface the areas that I need to grow. Not only that, but the HGA work which almost ensures that you'll be shedding some layers.

In one day, my over 4 year relationship has officially ended and I did my 5th step, which is to tell another personal every minute detail about what's happened and what you've done, leaving behind nothing, no matter how much you might want to hold onto something and bottle it up... Because those are the things you usually get drunk over later.

And so, one soul knows what not another single soul knows, and I'm on to the next chapter. This time, she actually made the decision to leave me based on the fact that I have no intention to marry her or be with her in the long term. Understandable, but she has always said that it would never be her decision -- that if we split, it would absolutely be my choice and not hers. And today she did just that -- I respect her for it and yet at the same time, I know that this is for good. This is the end, there's no more bouncing back between like we have done, it is done, it is over.

I'm not exactly sure how I'm supposed to feel right now -- I am at least encouraged because some serious things just changed today. And I believe that with more change and more shedding of old things, I am bound for the new, the greater, the hindered.

*sigh*

What's that smell?

I've been doing the conjuration rite for the Supernatural Assistant following prayers, purification, grounding, and meditation almost every night recently. A few techniques I've picked up from a good friend, while not necessarily a part of Hermetic Magick, have been beneficial to me. For one, I've been purifying the area and myself by burning white sage and taking it North, East, South, and West. For grounding, I've been visualizing tensions in afflicted energy centers of the body and channeling the energy into a piece of Hematite. Hematite is doubly beneficial, because it has the property of grounding energy and tensions, but due to its weight and Saturnian nature, it has the property of "weighing" you down and sitting your ass still. Because I've never much made it a habit to practice astral projection and develop astral sight, I've been using the properties of Tiger's Eye to help energize my third eye and help the visualizations flow more clearly by keeping a piece grasped in my left hand against my palm throughout the rite and keeping it in my pillow case as I sleep to give my dream life a jump start.

My Abramelin oil also came in recently, and I've been anointing my forehead with it while saying a short prayer asking God to anoint me and to aid me in my spiritual Senses.

Recently, while projecting I've begun to "see" random faces, sets of eyes, people as well as "hearing" voices, random sentences and words -- it's as if I am passing through a hallway to get where I'm going and picking up on the "astral chatter" along the way, it's been quite interesting.

The presence of the HGA in my Work has become stronger. I caught glimpses of his face and especially his eyes during the rite. Visualizing his sigil while calling to him by name has added an extra level of intensity to our connection. While at a peak point of the ritual last night, I "saw" a beam of light occur in the Astral Temple within the circle of protection and I know I'm starting to successfully "call him down". I vaguely picked up the smell of a pungent but sweet, smokey, piney smell and the best way I could make sense of that at the time is that I am a Scorpio, partially ruled by Mars, and the smell I picked up on was very, very martial. I wonder, is there reason to believe my HGA would also have Scorpio qualities? It would seem sensible anyway.

I do seem to be getting closer and it's rather encouraging.

K & C of the HGA and other ramblings.

The current forefront of my magickal endeavors, and undoubtedly the most important of all, is the acquiring of the Knowledge and Conversation of the Holy Guardian Angel. Frater Rufus Opus has been working with me for a few years to help me integrate a Hermetic cosmology and understanding, to get on the initiatory path working in the spheres with the planetary governors, and to practice the Rite of the conjuration (His adaptation as opposed to Crowley's Liber Samekh or the Abramelin Operation). It's been a stumbling block for me for a while. Through the past couple years, it's akin to me stepping into the boxing ring with some very powerful forces, saying "Gimme what ya got", and subsequently getting the shit kicked out of me so I can actually be competent, strong, and attuned enough to stand firm. The biggest truth of the whole process is like anything else in Alchemy -- the shit riseth to the top. Look into the process of alchemy -- that shit ain't gentle, really. Is it worthwhile? Yes. Is it effective? Oh, without a doubt. Does it burn and damn near rip you to pieces? Oh, fuck yes.

When he worked with some of us on the Supernatural Assistant course, his admonition to the lot of us was basically, "The rate at which you acquire the SA will be proportionate to the shit you've been through and grown through." For some, this process is rather quick -- it's not to say that all of us hadn't been through some hefty stuff, but we weren't all ready as soon as we began. What happens to those are not "ready"? The operation will MAKE you ready, believe me. If it breaks you hard enough, I guarantee you will not continue the operation out of exhaustion, lack of confidence, fear, or falling into passions and vices that MUST BE SUBDUED before you can achieve the Knowledge and Conversation. At that point, it will be up to that person to bear his cross again, so to speak.

This operation forces you to look at yourself such as no other. The rite itself is relaxing, peaceful, contemplative and almost inevitably gives you feelings of comfort and serenity. The effects it brings are everything BUT peaceful, serene, etc. Because in reality, we start out as pieces of shit -- the prima materia, the not-worth-shit substance that must eventually turn to Gold. You will be stripped down to a barren wasteland of a person, you will be dissolved, you will experience forms of total and utter ruin, and it will totally fucking suck.

And you will grow.

I've been back at it, lately. I've shed a lot of beliefs, traits, habits, attitudes, and things that were keeping me back from attainment. I do feel closer to the prize than ever before, and it is yet still not easy, and it is yet still requiring me to get stripped down even further -- touching on long standing comfort zones that have kept me peaceable for a while. Whatever must go must go, and if I do not let it go, the operation is bound to fold on me, and I with it, and before long, I will be in a drunken oblivion all the way back at square one for some more hard lesson learning.

I've learned that attainment, for me, is totally tied with sobriety. I know that certain mystics, shamans, witches, magicians and the like can even use certain substances to great and potent effect in their Work. I am most certainly not one of those.

That aside, I've been noticing in my Work that when I am in a cross state between physical awareness and astral awareness, I've been seeing light, color, movement, and life in my physical surroundings. Once I get into a very heightened state of consciousness, weird things are beginning to happen. It has a half life, too -- once the operation is complete, I will continue to see and experience unusual things for the next 5-10 minutes and it also makes for interesting dreams.

I've been incorporating smudging into my meditation for banishing, cleansing, protection, and relaxation to great effect. I've also been experimenting with the virtues of various stones for needed purpose: Hematite for grounding, Tiger's eye for astral sight, Jet for amplification, etc. These things seem to be heightening some of the effects in my Work.

I also received my vials of Abramelin Oil today, which I am excited to incorporate into the rite.

In the past couple weeks, I've made a good friend who practices Native American shamanic techniques and Wiccan magick who has keen psychic abilities and has a strong spiritual connection to me, met others who have something to teach me or ways to steer me to the next step, made friends with a Freemason/Hermetic/Qabalist magician who fills gaps in gray area of my own practices, and have been watching a process unfold before my eyes that has left me in total confidence that my magickal Work is definitely working and I know for certain that I am definitely in this Current. No doubt about it.

I've made amends and reconnected with my Dad that I lost touch with for a few years now, made amends to a girl who's had my heart for a while but I didn't know it, and have developed some Senses I wasn't in tune with before. All in all, the wheel is turning.

Michael conjure.

I had the urge this evening that I should call upon Michael again and re establish that connection. So much of my effort lately and a lot of my change has been along the lines of purity and illumination, so I figured that deepening my solar connection was probably not a bad idea.

What is cool, however, is that I have found it to be true what other conjure magicians say -- once you have established a good connection with a spirit, it sticks with you for a while. In fact, I began to prepare my basic set up and I didn't even go through the conjure process before establishing a good connection with Michael. I basically just said, "Michael, I'm calling out to you, please hear me." -- and immediately I began to see the misty depth of my crystal sphere take on the form of a face. The candle I had lit earlier from a session of prayer, meditation, and divination immediately grew brighter. The face looked like I have remembered it looking, and it was immediate -- I knew that he was attentive immediately. I got the impression though that before we went any further, it would be best if I went ahead and turned off the lights, lit my taper candle I use for conjuration, and proceeded with the conjuration.

In essence, my intentions were to ask him to direct the solar current into my sphere, to aid and protect me in a process of coming from darkness back into Light, to grant me his Wisdom and to give me further initiation into the Sol/Tiphareth sphere. I also requested that should I need his aid, he would be willing to respond when I called him, citing that he has come to the aid of countless people who seek him out.

At this point in the conjure, I'll usually connect to the crystal via my third eye, close my physical eyes and wait for the connection to ripen. He gave me a short vision where he took the form of a bald eagle, carried my spirit away across a body of water, over a forest and up to the top of a mountain. At this point, he was more of a physically intangible force that led me to an interesting sculpture of sorts. It looked to be made of old brass entirely, it was a large eagle with its wings spread out supporting a sort of globe, full with longitude and latitude lines as well an equator, but hollow inside. There was movement in the lines of the globe, and in the center of the globe appeared a bright, burning light. It extended outwards from that point, filtering through the moving lines forming lots of incredible rays extending outwards eternally. That was the end of the images.

I'm hoping for further clarification in dreams or in the days ahead, but I wanted to be sure not to forget any of this.

Reassessing my Lucis rant.

Though my thoughts on Lucis Trust are not fond, and though I still dislike their ideology and agenda, RO made some things clear to me and I have to reassess the rant below.

"Lucis Trust is like three people. Who volunteer. Part time. Getting in good with the UN wasn't that difficult, apparently.

I called them once, and spoke to a soft-toned black man in New York. He was very eager to get funding out of me, and called me back a couple of times and sent me mail for years. Getting all worked up about them is like getting all worked up about people spitting gum in the streets. I had a similar reaction to them, but then figured out they were just another scam...

...Mormons are pretty evil, when you look at them in certain lighting, and so are Thelemites, Golden Dawners, and Evangelicals. Getting all worked up over the Lucis Trust is totally not worth the effort, really, in my opinion."

RO is correct -- anything can be held in a certain light, over emphasized, exaggerated, and one could easily be led to making unnecessary conclusions. Ultimately, my reaction is a primitive part of my human nature. Sure, I may not like them, but it would be my natural inclination to take it too seriously, take it to heart, and get upset about it on principle. This is a tendency I am still working on and I need not be irrational.

As it pertains to Blavatsky's writings and teachings, he used perfect analogy to dismantle my reaction to the subject. I really appreciate his ability to bring things down to earth -- I am a Scorpio, I am passionate, I can be stirred to passion rather easily so I must decide carefully which passions I will allow to influence me. What he said was:

"The application of Blavatsky's teachings by the nazis was not her fault, or her intent. She was just making a dime on the new agers of her time, spinning yarns about Koot Hoomi and the secret Tibetan brotherhoods that lived in the hollow Earth. They became the "Secret Chiefs" of the Golden Dawn, you know. Everything that came out of Theosophy wasn't bad, it just got misapplied. Taking her to task for the Nazi interpretation is like Christ and the twelve apostles to task for the Inquisition. Which some people do."

How could I not see or recognize such a basic truth? I hate that people would associate Christ's teachings by the actions of certain groups or individuals who have done great evil in His name and by false use and interpretation of the scripture. It is easy to do, it has been done, and will continue. To throw the baby out with the bath water is the incorrect approach, which is exactly what I have done here.

I considered deleting the prior post because I failed to see this fundamental flaw in my perception at the time, but I have decided to leave it as a testament to myself and others that it is incredibly easy to jump to conclusions that ought not be jumped to, and to connect dots that do not belong together. I should not have connected these things the way I have done, and I will keep this as a reminder the next time I draw an irrational conclusion and start pointing fingers to people that or not responsible for others' actions.

I am appalled

By Lucis Trust Publishing Co.

All my background of "conspiracy theories" aside, I am disgusted by this publisher, its connection to the U.N. and its basic agenda. It does in fact disgust me that it was once named Lucifer Publishing Co. and changed to Lucis for unknown reasons, and it bothers me that a company responsible for spreading the writings of H.P. Blavatsky and Alice Bailey have any level of close connection to the U.N.

I am disgusted by their explanation of the reappearance of Christ, and the whole "World Goodwill" agenda. I find their Great Invocation disgusting, and I think that the underlying principles behind Lucis Trust are appalling.

I don't care what you or any other occultist (wishy washy New Ager, rather) might claim to have learned from H.P. Blavatsky or that you like titles released from Lucis Trust, I refuse to invest my money into any part of that monstrosity.

For those that are unaware, the writings of Blavatsky had a HUGE impact on the Nazi agenda and ideology. The idea of perfecting the Race and bringing the world under a global elite -- the Aryan race -- you can thank Blavatsky for that. And now, her words and ideas are still allowed to infest very powerful organizations. I am appalled and sick to my stomach that Lucis Trust has the support of the U.N. in anyway whatsoever. It's not that Lucis Trust, its associates, or its material should not be allowed to exist, it should not have any connection to a large body of power whatsoever. They treat the varieties of religious practice and experience as a problem that needs addressing. They are in fact pushing for a one world religion.

Personally, I like the varied cultures and religious practices. I might not like die hard dogma, I might hate the wars and the contention that is brought through adherence to die hard dogma, but working to break people away from their religion of choice is fucking NOT acceptable, it's despicable, it's disgusting, and it is a REASON for people to be somewhat afraid of what the future holds.

I am by no means a fear monger, but anyone with ANY level of discernment in their spirit whatsoever would be sickened by the pollution Lucis Trust is feeding to people. I am ashamed that anyone could come to associate my beliefs and practices with those beliefs and practices, simply because they fall in the category of "Esoteric" and "Mystical" pursuits. I do not support Blavatsky in anyway whatsoever and frankly, it would be a service to humanity to eradicate her polluting, disgusting bullshit from the globe.

For anyone too dense to understand the gravity of this connection, I beg of you to look at the days of the Holocaust. The many peoples and cultures that were abused, persecuted, tortured, and ripped apart deserve a voice -- and I deeply resent the impact Blavatsky's false, disgusting message has had upon peoples' minds. All of this took place under the deep belief that can be found in The Secret Doctrine, a book that helped shape the mind of Adolf Hitler.

If you are allowing this spiritually vacant and disgusting literature to erode any level of God-given decency you might retain in your bones, I pray that you could be delivered from it.