Just an update.

To help expedite the process and make things less emotionally awkward 'til my ex finally leaves state for school, I performed a very simple magickal act. I did not know how it would manifest and I did not care too terribly much, just that it got the job done.

So, I take one of our first photographs, draw on the back of it Saturn's glyph and the name and seal of Cassiel, rip it in half and leave it sitting beneath the Saturn talilsman on my altar.

3 days later, her entire family develops an unusual animosity (I've never been their favorite person, but...) toward me, and suddenly a rule is set forth that I am not to be over past 9 o'clock, and she does not have a car. Now also, my room mates hate her and her dog, and won't allow her to bring her dog over. No dog, no her. Of course, she's furious about all of this, and though I was mildly irritated by the way this occurred, it was a definite manifestation of that action. It was also a picture from a time when we she was 16 and I was 18, and this rule is reminiscent of those times, it's as though the symbolism manifested in a way congruent to the picture I tore and adorned with lovely Saturn symbols. Either way, it did in fact make this process easier for me to deal with. I was left with no choice but to busy myself with friends and magick late at night when I might otherwise be prone to see her. The idea was to make between now and January easier for me to deal with, and to expedite the process of separation in a natural way that more or less took it out of my hands.

In other news, I conjured Sacchiel and asked him to help score me a promotion at work. What manifested instead was being approached by a regular who has been coming to this store for a long time offering me a job making much more money than I make now. Now the matter is to not get in the way of my own magick because of being afraid of change.

It's silly, really. I'll do all this magick, and sometimes I'll watch things change and think "Oh God, what am I gonna do? Is this the right thing? What if I choose the wrong thing? What if I make a mistake? What if I give up a good thing and lose out on it?" instead of going ahead and taking the mundane action to carry the magick to its fruition and receive the benefits and learn the lessons from the Work. I'm working on that bit.

Other exciting events include getting invited to join the Cicero's HOGD down in Florida because of knowing my AA sponsor's brother who is an initiated member of that Temple (which is mysterious and awesome to begin with). I'm not gonna lie, it's pretty hard to pass up the opportunity. Though I have been inactive in the study and practice of Golden Dawn material, that system of magick still means a lot to me and I still genuinely believe there's a lot of good that I could gain from it.

So, we shall see what becomes of that in time.

Pain.

Sometimes I get so caught up in the more enjoyable changes and manifestations in the Work that I lose sight of the fact that there will be pain and struggle.

In the past few months since embarking on sobriety and taking back up my Work, I have seen incredible people brought into my life. People with whom I share a unique and common bond -- Christian Mystics and Magicians of different varieties. I've seen doors open that I never expected to see open and I've begun to see a pattern unfold that has truly amazed me. From my AA sponsor's brother being a 32nd degree Freemason, Qabalist, and an experienced ceremonial magician, to my Catholic/Native-American-Shaman friends, to a most incredible and beautiful Pisces girl who just UNDERSTANDS the way my mind works. She shares my passions, she picks up mystical topics that we discuss and she runs with them like I scarcely ever see a "newbie" do. Half the time, communication between the two of us is not even necessary.

I have reconnected and made amends with my Dad, which is miracle in and of itself. I made contact with my Holy Guardian Angel. I have begun to understand concepts that I only understood on a superficial level before. My abilities in spirit communication and tarot have doubled and tripled. I have experienced an entire shift and change in lifestyle and personality that has brought me to a whole new place in life. I've realized a vision for my life that I can pursue and I have a clarity I've never before had. I've lost fears that have held me back for years and I've grown into more of what I wanted to become in a few months than in years of trying and failing.

Part of what held me back from certain aspects of my development was holding on so dearly to a relationship I've been in for about 5 years, a relationship that has grown me up, taught me a lot, broken me into pieces, and made me stronger. No matter how many times we've broken up and gotten back together repeatedly, she's always been basically right down the road. Any choice in this relationship has always been a matter of a verbal formality, allowing for that still remaining psychological comfort of knowing that should I so decide, I can take comfort in her.

Over the past few weeks, I have established contact with her again. She is leaving the state for school, officially, and made the offer for me to come with her and have a two bedroom apartment, with one room specifically devoted to my magickal practice. Now has been the time that I make the tangible decision that seals this relationship away for good, or continues it out to a potentially gruesome end, depending. I am now in a place where I have to let this go for good. For the good of me, and for the good of her. God tells me so. The spirits tell me so. The cards tell me so. My mentor tells me so. My sponsor basically agrees, and every sign points in this direction.

But it is so painful to step out in faith with no comfort zone, with no assurance, and just let the pieces fall where they may.

I have described my blog in many terms, some of which being "pain, struggle, and growth". I get so caught up in the other factors that I forget that as so many good things are added unto me, it is a certainty that old things will pass away and die in time. And now it appears that something very dear to my heart for several years now must be put to rest.

It hurts. May I persevere through it.

The mysteries of the cards.

Since achieving Knowledge & Conversation of the HGA, it has become apparent that one of the main ways my HGA will communicate with me will be through the Tarot. Yes, I can conjure him using the Samekh rite, or I can pass through the Sphere of Luna, get to my astral temple and meet him there. But the moment I lay my right hand upon the deck and say to him "(name), Guide my hands, my eyes, my ears, and my heart to receive wisdom. Give me guidance and clarification on the forces at play in (scenario), and give me sight to see.", I am instantly connected with my HGA in a tangible way.

I know this because whereas once my readings were more or less vague and hard to grasp, suddenly I am able to see what I could not see before. But there is an external occurrence at play as well that leaves me a tad bewildered at times. When doing multiple readings about different sides of the same subject, many of the exact same cards fall into relevant places repeatedly. Recently, in 3 separate readings dealing with different aspects of one situation, the Tower, the Devil, and Death repeatedly showed up (amongst certain minor cards as well) within the same positions in the spread.

For my fellow readers, I am sure you have had similar experiences. How do you make sense of this to yourself? I personally think that where as once I had no active, guiding spirit involved in my divination, I do now and I can see the evidence every time I lay the cards out. What do you think? How is it that out of 78 cards and 10 possible placements, just the right card falls in just the right place? How about if the right card falls in the right place over and over again? We're dealing with, in rational terms, highly improbable factors, yet it happens. Certainly, for experienced readers, one has to ask him/herself from time to time, "How the fuck did that just happen?"

Do you ever find yourself laughing when you turn a card over that continues to surface time and time again reiterating the same damn thing? I certainly do. Do you ever just sit back with a grin and a sense of satisfaction at the way it all just seems to work out?

How do you explain this phenomenon in your practice?