Sunday, December 18, 2011

Initiation and Existential Crisis

As previously stated, I took Minerval into OTO on the 10th. Before then, I was in one of my periodic occult-naps, as I call them, and as expected, the initiation woke me from my "slumber" so to speak. The experience itself was quite profound, but the aftermath has actually been the most substantial part to be honest.

I should have seen it coming, really. Every step on the path so far, every initiatic experience I've gone through working in the Spheres under the Archangels has been an application of the fire to the gross, a stirring of the pot which is my identity and my life, and a subsequent refinement and coagulation. This process has repeated ever since RO threw his first few instructions at me years ago. And so really, I ought to have seen a time of great trail ahead that night, but for some reason, it escaped my attention until I asked myself the question, "Dear God, what the hell is wrong with me? With this? With life? With everything? What's happening?"

I have had a difficult time focusing and organizing my thoughts and plans at work, my motivation there has decreased, my life at home has become uncomfortable, and I've called my relationships into question. I've really been placed in a position of having to take an honest look at myself and at my life and asking myself, "Is this really what I want?" Situations that cause me to question these most fundamental areas of life are cropping up, leaving behind a trail of unanswered questions, much uncertainty, and no padding for comfort. It is as though the rug has been pulled out from under the entire operation, which is my life.

What I've come to realize is that despite how grateful I am for my job, my currently stable and comfortable financial situation, my living arrangements, my love life -- really everything that makes up my current life -- is not at all what I really want. It's as though what seemed so clear has all really been an illusion whose gates have been abruptly flung open wide, leaving me bare and vulnerable, shaken and uncertain. Perhaps things were clear for their own season, and now that season is passing, therefore here am I, floating around a misty abyss with seemingly nowhere to place my feet.

The overwhelming and heavy feeling that some things must change fundamentally is taking over my every waking moment, in this grand stage of dissolution in which I am currently disintegrating. First my mind and the roughest exterior layer of my sphere, then the inevitable manifestation of things in my life which shall indeed be burned away to bring forth the shine which lay beneath. It's difficult not to feel uncomfortable when you know that the alchemical fires of transmutation mean business, and those "rough layers" of the Self are not only You, but the entire life you've built around yourself.

It's as though you are in a house you are too comfortable to leave, but you know that the wrecking ball awaits fresh devastation and you know not the day nor hour of its first solid blow.

So, yeah. I suppose it was an effective initiation. I'm having a rough time over here!


  1. My experience, for what it's worth, is that what needs to change after initiation is usually you, yourself, not your life, job, or mate. The feeling that you have to quit and leave your spouse is just an ego defense, saying "whatever needs to change is _out there_. It's not me that needs changing, no, never me!!!"

    So, my advice is, never make big "exterior life" choices until you've fully integrated your initiation; make big "interior life" choices instead.

    Again, for what it's worth.

  2. In general, I would have to agree. Somewhere in this melting pot is a change or several I must develop within myself. But there's just more to it than that.

    I'm tapping in to an egregore which pleads to the initiate, "Do what thou wilt." "So why thy all, thou has no right but to do thy will. Do that, and no other shall say nay."

    I think me changing is inevitable and I think this initiation signals a time of change. And in this change, I'm having also to confront comfort zones that have kept me safe and comfortable, and that is where the rest of my life comes into play.

  3. Hello: While I don't know you nor you me, I'd suggest to you that initiation is about inner transformation. Your outer life need not change at all. The focus of inner transformation is often "rewiring" the personality/ego structure so that you can access supersensible consciousness. Ride it "up" into the inner life rather than "down" into the material world.
    Best Wishes!

  4. 93
    All the whys you're experiencing are a result of your initiation. Work to answer some of them or at least where the questions are coming from.
    If you'd like, we can grab coffee and talk about some of the whys and whats I ran into.
    93 93/93

  5. 93, Frater Volentis-

    Thank you for reading and offering a hand. This, while beautiful and everything I've anticipated for so long, has been very challenging -- more than just the night of, I think the after effects are more challenging than the thing itself. (Which is good)

    I would love to meet over some coffee and talk about it. You'll have to let me know when you're available or vice versa and we'll definitely do that.

    93 93/93