I have been going crazy.
From deep depression, to lasting melancholy, to anxiety and irritability, discontent, feeling uncomfortable in my own skin, in my life, crying my eyes out out of both joy and sadness, to long periods of silence and unresponsiveness, general lasting stints of "blah" and "meh", to ecstatic bouts of happiness and excitement, energy and vigour, creative outbursts and the inability to express my thoughts and feelings clearly and appropriately. I've been feeling on one hand magically charged and on the other, totally uninspired.
I have been unable to deal appropriately with my fiancee's crazy life of school, internship, insane amounts of homework, house work, taking care of her 3 year old son, and the exhaustion at the end of her day that leaves her unable to do anything but go straight to sleep. I've been clutching for comfort and gratification, both emotional and physical, and unable to understand her inability to provide these things at my every whim and feeling of discomfort and loneliness.
I have been angry, bitter, and unproductive at work here at my 5 year anniversary with this job and have consequently found myself miserable for 9 hours out of my day, 5 days a week. I've been unhappy with myself for not having played smart and gone to school, rather than wasting precious time and energy on drugs in my teen years. I've been increasingly uncomfortable and restless with not at all knowing what it is I really want to do, really want to pursue, really want to accomplish. It exacerbates my unquenchable feeling of dissatisfaction with punching that same old time clock at that some old dead end job.
Truly, I've been wondering what the fuck has been wrong with me.
But after Gnostic Mass yesterday, a certain soror who is sponsoring me for my Iº initiation pulled me to the side and a conversation followed that made me realize that I am both not going crazy, and that what I am experiencing is entirely normal and to be expected of someone who took Minerval initiation 4 months ago. I had lost track totally of the fact that I have been losing my grip as a result of that magick and that it is, in the end, the best thing for me. Since I have lost track of this fact, I have been unsatisfied no matter where I turn and going through internal hell that I have a hard time really putting into words, but it has been incredibly painful. Also, I've been reaching for comfort and security left and right, and this has unfortunately resulted in my not showing the proper level of understanding to my fiancee, who frankly doesn't have the time or energy to deal with my every feeling of discomfort. (Sorry, honey...)
She reminded me that (paraphrasing) "Minerval is like being thrown into the ocean without anything to help you or support you. You know you are going to drown, but you are fighting it. Because you know you are going to drown, you are frightened and fighting that much harder. This is what happens to many people who go through this experience."
She goes on to tell me, "It will get better. Iº will help solidify things. No, it won't make things easy and yes, crazy things will happen to you and within you. In fact, it will be... dark. Instead of fighting, you will just go under and you will drown. And you will stop fighting it, and you will be okay."
I have been internalizing this whole process and should have been talking to others who have gone before me all the while. She reminded me that it is of utmost importance to talk to your sponsors -- that's what they're there for -- and to talk to others in the Order, since, after all, it is a "fraternal Order" -- we are supposed to discuss things and be there for one another, that I don't have to go through these things alone, and they all have been through it themselves.
The burden of feeling like an insane crazy person was lifted almost instantly when I realized that, and that there was an end in sight. I was frankly terrified that something was very wrong with me, when really, I am just being broken down so that I can rebuild. In all my reading, nothing really could have prepared me for the process that Minerval started with me. It's very similar to what I have experienced in initiatory experiences within Planetary Magick, but all encompassing, longer lasting, and very intense.
I will say, I never expected for my life to change completely and for me to get ripped to pieces on the inside the way I have been. But it's worth it.